Get Involved!

David Higgins wrote:
A few of issues:
1. Your battle scenes (Navy and Skreeg) are poorly constructed in that you treat them as 2 separate battle lines throughout. Once the Navy is amoung the Skreeg there aren't battle lines anymore - ie no front and back. The concept of the Skreeg command ship 'hidden' in the read and can't be seen because they are behind all the debris suffers in the same way.

2. A large portion of your dialogue is poorly constructed grammatically - not sure if this is by design!

3. You have a couple of unnecessary scenes (Zero heading to the surface of Durham after the attack is unnecessary - ie you could jump to the sickbay scene where they are doing an autopsy on Rebekahs body to see what was used. To show Zero's pain you can internalize it - similar to the 'private' scene James Kirk had after the death of his son in Star Trek. Remember, Zero is a ships captain. You don't get chosen to be a ships captain if you break down so easily....

4. You kept going on about the Skreeg ships having 'no design'. Everything has design - they may not have had any common traits or their design might have been somewhat random in nature but they all have design.

5. A lot of your command dialogue is a bit wordy. Commands are always short and to the point. In the din of battle, you don't have time to listen to 10-20 seconds of wishy washy dialogue when it can be said in 1 or 2 words.

Cheers

David

Darkwing wrote:Knew I'd get a good edit out of you! The thing with Zero is it's very important to show that he breaks down because he actually goes insane, but it's not actually really over the death of Rebekah, but over the death of Durham. Where Zero is one of the Progenitor's, his key is Durham (as is elaborated upon later on in the script) Zero is connected to the plant Durham. Thing is, he didn't know, so he goes through a bit of a transformation, finally making it such that he's not insane once he remembers everything. As for grammatically correct grammar, planned, yes and no, some of it's just bad anyways and some of it's intended to be bad (ie, Aiden and War-Storm). Someone else pointed out how Eraz'Tai flip-flops between correct grammar and incorrect grammar

Darkwing wrote:It is funny though how you see the scene where Zero goes to Durham as unnecessary, because I considered it one of the single most important scenes in the movie. There were others that weren't necessarily so important, but that one I personally thought ranked in top 5 most important scenes. But I forget what happens immediately after that scene, so I'll look at it. i don't know why if this project is dead, but I shall anyways