So it's been a year

Well, this week last year would have been the week of my graduation, meaning I've now been out of school for one whole year. So how are things shaping up? Not very well. This time last year I was accepted to the local university for the fall, but at the last minute I dropped simply not wanting to go there. So then I went through the stressful thing of whether or not to go to VFS. I applied and got accepted for this fall coming up, but dropped out because it cost too much. So the last year has been a year of getting accepted to various schools and dropping out. Now it's been a whole year and I am quite frankly hating life and wishing it would just go away. For being the year of stay home and work a year, I didn't really make much money, though I guess ultimately I wasn't really focused on making money. Now I really have to decide what kind of life I'm going to have and I don't even know anymore. I hate being at home, I hate not being at home. I don't have anything I particularly want to do for a living. Sure, I enjoy my little side projects, but only as hobbies. I don't want to be in the film industry, the lifestyle isn't for me. Now I'm all frustrated and my parents are all frustrated, I'm feeling very emotionally insecure and feel essentially like I have no identity and no motivation. Honestly, all I wish is for it all to go away. I can't live a day without my parents bringing up the conversation of going to post-secondary. They're constantly nagging me to finish my applications, but I don't see why I should bother seeing as none of it matters in the end anyways. Life is stupid, everything in life is stupid. I assessed last night why we go to school and it's not to learn new things, it's so that we can make money doing something we like, which ultimately means our purpose in this world is to make money, at least as dictated by mankind. In a way, I want to be free, but freedom is something not warranted by society, we are never free and even if I was, I probably wouldn't do anything. I;m a stupid, anti-social piece of shit who doesn't even go outdoors unless I really really have to. I spend almost my entire day from the point I wake up to the point I go to bed, here on this computer. Hell, I even eat hear now. I pay rent to my folks (not much mind you) but I'm still treated like I'm their 13 year old son or something. they nag me to wash dishes and other various chores. But I'm paying them money, why can't we all be objective and say that if I'm paying money, I run my life in my miserable way and that my privacy is something included in that. But you know what, I feel like I'm their 13 year old son. I don't feel like I'm 20. I watch the days, the weeks, the months go bye like I'm just loosely flipping through some book, unaware of what's on the pages. Life feels like a prison sentence to me, you do your time, then you die. I don't know if I want anything, I think all I do want is to be left alone. I hate to gripe about my folks because they've been real nice to me and I'm not really frustrated about them, I'm frustrated about me. I've only ever lived in this area, I've never been out of province, hell, I've never been past the city. I've only been to the city maybe a couple dozen times in my life, otherwise, it's all been here at this town I live in. Everyone expects something great out of me, yet I can't even talk face to face with people. I can talk to huge crowds, act. I've performed in front of hundreds of people and that doesn't even bother me. I can come into contact with 1500 people sometimes at work and that doesn't bother me. But I can't talk face to face with people on an individual and meaningful level. I look on the internet and find others like me, but it seems there's no answers for us. We're condemned to this life because of the way we are. I look in the mirror every morning and all I see is failure and hatred towards myself. I do not want to be me, I despise me, I want to destroy this person that I am, but I'm too passive, not bold enough. I can't break out of this fucking concrete block I'm in and move forward. I don't even feel like I exist really. My life has followed almost identically my fathers, so perhaps I feel like there's no reason to do anything, I'm only going to end up like him, except h screwed his life by starting to go to school and never finishing. Then he had massive debts to pay back that he couldn't that fucked his life up royally. I think my parents are scared that I'll end up like him because of how my life has almost instance for instance followed his. That's partly why I have no identity, I'm just my father. My siblings look at me and see me as wasting my life, but I'm at the point of wondering if life in general is a waste. To me, going to school is wasting my life because of the work, money and time I'll have to put into it. And say I end up like dad. I don't finish things so there's a very high chance I wouldn't finish school, then I would end up having enormous debts to pay back on minimum wage, working at the theatre the rest of my life. But then not going to school is wasting my life because then I don't get beyond working at some minimum wage job and then when I'm at home working on my side-projects that I enjoy. Everyone tells me do what I like, do what I'm good at. Well I fucking like and am good at too many things. I don't want to do them professionally, I've always been the type of person who's learned things on my own, that's why people expect such great things out of me. I can do what others my age ordinarily can't do without some sort of professional training. But I'm not good enough to make a living at it, not that I necessarily want to mind you. I've always liked being the over-achiever of the under-achievers.

That's what runs through my head every single day, some worse than others. But I can guarantee you that when I go to bed, when I'm truly alone with no distractions (because I firmly believe I use my projects as a way of avoiding the real issues) this runs through my head and eats at me and it is destroying me. People sometimes tell me to see a shrink, but what, they;re going to tell me what I already know, there's no point in it. So yeah, if you wonder why I have breakdowns, why I go apeshit, it's because of this. It's because I have this unsolvable problem killing me on the inside, and then put on everything else I think about, my observations of life, of human behaviour, of myself, what really surprises me is that I haven't attempted suicide before. I think anyone else who had this going through them, probably would. Or would at the very least turn to drugs and alcohol as some form of release. I fortunately don't enjoy alcohol and don't even touch Tylenol when I have head-aches.

Now, if I get a post that's like this long in length as a response *coughDJcough* there's a good chance I won't read it all and I don't expect you to read this, but I need to yell it out.

and one other thing, why the fuck can I spill my soul out to a bunch of people I've never met, yet I can't do it to people I know? I can't even have a decent conversation without feeling nervous

And people wonder why I don't like people, why I'm against relationships and what not. Well, I finally have an answer. If you hated yourself as much as I hate myself, wouldn't it make sense you;d hate everyone around you too? Someone once told me, how can we expect to treat the environment right if we can't even treat our bodies right? People over-eat, don't exercise which is essentially polluting your body, so if you don't respect your body, how will you respect nature? You can't, not really. So it;s the same with me I think.

Oh my god.... You have hereby lost the right to call anything i write ''a wall of text''. For ever. And fucking ever. That thing is huge. It's gonna be like going through a jungle of text. Now, excuse me *gets the machete*

Damn, Darkwing...I dont know what to say.

Thingy wrote:Oh my god.... You have hereby lost the right to call anything i write ''a wall of text''. For ever. And fucking ever. That thing is huge. It's gonna be like going through a jungle of text. Now, excuse me *gets the machete*

heh heh, sorry, now imagine going through that every minute of every day. That;s what it's like to be me

and for the record, that initial post is 1363 words long, so compare that to any high school english essay you wrote and considering it too me 10 minutes to write that, you'll wonder why you can't do you english essay rough draft in under 10 min

Wooow...OK, there are some constants that are incontestable:

1. You need to leave home (deffo before 25)
2. You need to find someone to talk to, face-to-face, about things, councellor, acquaintance or relative.
3. You need to have an income to live off.
4. It's possible to think too much about things.


OK then. Two of those things - leaving home and income - can fit well together if you stick in higher education. But fair enough, if that's not it, OK. However, the alternative is going out into the wilderness right now and finding a job to stay in potentially for the rest of your life-promotion prospects, enjoyment, etc. From a small town, with admittedly little experience, that will be hard. If you were to go to uni, you can improve your situation while sounding out all sorts of openings. At the same time, there are people to socialise with - don't say you need more people to mix with, otherwise why are you here all the time.

As good as I am at my stuff (and I don't want to brag, but I am goood!), you need someone to help you out at your end. Some sort of councellor might be good, as that could potentially improve things between you and your family until things are sorted. But just talk to someone who will empathise. It's true humans become distressed when we overthink things, our minds can't take the endless stretch into the future, or dwelling over what ifs. Over the time I've known you, I believe you put pressure on yourself, and I think this might be your biggest barrier. Letting it out could do you wonders, and can't hurt.

you have no idea about the over-thinking. I think my purpose in life is to over-think.

Anyways, I know the pros and cons of both going to school and not going to school, I've been over it at least a hundred times. Logically, to make money to live off of comfortably, you go to uni. usually. but I don't know what i want and money isn't want gets me motivated, it;s time and what I'm doing that are important to me.

As I've said there, three options regarding that:

1. Stay at home and loaf around your parent's house until they kick you out
2. Go to uni, try and enjoy yourself, and at the same time develop yourself more so at the end of the course you are in a better position to decide what route to go down - income isn't the point in your case, broadness of experience and enjoyment is.
3. Go get a long-term job this year. Builder for your uncle, fisherman, whatever is open to you in your current situation.

well, the theatre is a long term job if i want it to be. i could work my way up to head office if i really wanted

Well if that's what you want, or don't mind doing, good luck. At what stage do you think you'll be earning enough to leave home?

I could probably leave now if I really wanted to

Hmmm... I've one thing to tell you, but I guess I forgot how to write it...

Ah hell here goes translator:

STOP SEEING LIFE LIKE THAT!

Life isn't dark or miserable or whatever you think it is! Life is what YOU want it to be! How do you think that Shem is an happy bastard, and I am the guy you once called "iluded with happiness" guy? (Just 2 examples BTW).

It's because we want life to look happy... If we see it that way, it is easier to live it...

And before I start a rant on this, I have one more answer to you:

Yes, writting on the internet is easier than saying it in real life...

Well, no matter wether money is your goal or not, having a whole bunch of it will make life alot easier. Like, alot. And when you think about it, it's either a few years in college learning to do something you don't mind getting to know people and making your future a little easier, or a few years at the theater, followed by a life of medium to low paying jobs, thus repeating your fathers mistakes.

We learn history so we don't make the same mistakes again, you know your fathers history and his mistakes, so you sure as hell better not repeat it.

And about the whole not being able to talk n person to anyone thing, i think you're afraid of getting personal with anyone. A crowd is just a bunch of anonymous people, and so are we (kind of...).

yes, I agree about the people thing. As for dad's mistakes, his were going to school and not finishing and therefore having a ludicrous loan he couldn't pay back. If I don't take the loan, then like what my dad was saying earlier today, if I stay on my own, I could do all right on a job like the theatre. I mean, I'd be the only one I look out for. I dunno, I just really don't want to school or do anything I like if that makes any sense. I like to keep my projects innocent if you know what I mean. I have complete control of them. I don't want to be in the film business, it's crazy and doesn't fit me.

Well, then don't be in the film business. Find something else you might like, or not hate/dislike too much. Maybe reviewing? Your movie reviews are pretty good, and with some experience, you'd make a pretty good reviewer.

And yes, i know, but you'd be doing roughly the same mistake. Not finishing your education, thus making your life harder than it would have been if you had finished it.

Do you really want to be a theater manager when you're 40? It's not as bad as working at mcdonalds or some other fast food restaurant, but it doesn't exactly reek of success.

pfft, who said I wanted success? I think everyone else wants me to be successful, I just want to be alone to do whatever it is I want.

So, you need 2 things:

1. Purpose

2. Money

They don't usually come in pairs, I do know that.

Sometimes you'll have to live with that job that you hate that pays well.

But, when it comes to purpose, I'm sorry, but I can't give you any suggestion other than coming to know Jehovah.

And to offer eternal life to someone... I assure you, you can't make any kind of work any more meaningful than that.

If you want to find true meaning to life, and you want my help, I will personally drive up to Canada, pick you up, take you to Oklahoma, provide you with room and board, help find a job for you, and most importantly, help you to come to know Jehovah God. To truly have a relationship with him, to have a close friend that can help you through anything. If you really want answers, you will find them. I promise you.

I'm serious. No joke. Gas money will be tough, but it's possible.

I know we have our differences in religious matters. And I respect your beliefs. But as your friend, it would be wrong for me to have what I believe to be a solution, and not offer it to you... again.

It's an invitation that will always be waiting for you, Chris.

Note: And my condolences in regards to your depression. I hope you get through this. Through whatever means.