Picard vs Captains of the Federation

Against Kirk:

--> Has a bigger spaceship, which can separate into two also-bigger spaceships.
--> Picard has technobabble. Picard has technology.
--> Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk
--> Not only the president of the Enterprise, but also a client.
--> Was turned into a Borg. Borg are cool. Vote Locutus.
--> Picard goes undercover.
--> Remained in command of his Enterprise for well over seven years. Kirk didn't even finish his first five-year mission.
--> Can say "Make it so" in 43 different inflections in over six million forms of communication. (Including Ainu)
--> Picard actually worked with David Tennant. He is 92% sexier than Kirk just because of this association.
--> Picard knows how to make a starship last. He only lost one, and that was when he wasn’t aboard (the Stargazer doesn't count). Kirk has gone through 3.
--> He actually knows how to use a comma.
--> Anything Picard says sounds meaningful and profound. This is the exact opposite on Kirk's effect on words.
--> Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.
--> Has an annoying techno song composed totally of his lines. Then someone took the time to make a music video by finding the scenes the lines were from, and editing them to fit the song. Crazy. (Although, he IS Locutus of Borg, and you will respond to his questions)
--> Wasn't made an admiral. Kirk told him not to let Starfleet promote him, and he didn't. Therefore Picard is better.
--> Wore a red shirt and stayed alive through every episode Except for Tapestry, but he was judged badass enough by a demigod to be resurrected, only after experiencing a custom-constructed version of reality.
--> Speaking of the demigod, Picard kept Q from eradicating humanity in the pilot episodes.
--> Picard's doctor is someone you would actually want to get a prostate exam from.
--> He had a ship's counselor who was nude in several movies before joining his ship.
--> Picard has an awesome English accent, even though he's French.

Against Kirk...(Continued)
Picard's ship is way bigger. And has a cooler looking saucer section.
Picard would never, ever tell his fans to GET A LIFE!
Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason he (almost) got away with it.
Picard's worst episodes were originally the best ones written for Kirk.
Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from 1950s period dramas.
Picard's bridge crew doesn't miss 75% of the episodes.
His hand gestures just kick-bum.
Picard's main bridge doesn't look like something out of the Teletubbies
Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 5 or 6 lines.
Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
Picard has never had a romantic relationship with his 'Number one'. Kirk did.
Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
Picard has so much backbone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship only to have it get destroyed, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
Three words: seven whole seasons.
Picard has a personal android.
Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive", a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what complete shambles in relations that resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
The only way Picard would allow Tribbles on his ship would be as hors d'oeuvres.
Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary, although his ship is home to the mysterious Arboretum.
One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter? (Or, if you're Sarek, your son?)
Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle a guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do that poop for him.
Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
Picard doesn't need hair, real or not.
Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in gogo boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad. Spock is the most intelligent person aboard?
If their situations were reversed, Kirk would nail Lwaxana Troi (or Deanna for that matter). Picard has standards.
Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
Unlike Kirk, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck after he'd used it. You'd have to clean up the blood of his enemies.
Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard's attention once.
Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
Picard would never wear eye makeup. Never.
Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-whizz baby toy.
Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
Picard and his crew used to solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
Picard never has to sign an Etcha-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter killer.
Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, mess with Picard.
Despite being French, Picard can speak English like a well-trained articulate thespian from Yorkshire. And he can do so without annoying pauses.
Picard chews out Klingons in their own language. Kirk chews on Klingons.
Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
Geordi LaForge would never talk to a computer mouse.
Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest... and he just laughed at it!!

Against Kirk (Continued)
Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
Picard doesn't give his enemy detailed technical drawings of his ship to study.
Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
Picard's phaser fires a burst of lethal energy capable of vaporizing a person. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his. After getting them away from his first officer, that is.
Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a campfire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat".
Picard drank Romulan ale and didn't even flinch. Much.
Picard discovered new civilizations, Kirk discovered he had new syphilizations.
The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses. That's quite true.
Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
If Picard was going to kiss a black woman, he’d make sure it wasn’t a crew member, make certain it was well exposed for all to see, and make no use of a lame excuse such as "being under a spell". See, Picard isn’t afraid of the Klan.
Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cute like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with it.
Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humor.
Picard’s adventures spun off three new series, each longer than Kirk’s run. Kirk only inspired a one-seasoned cartoon.
How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk?
If Kirk was captain when Tasha Yar died, he would have tried to do her corpse. Ehm, eeww.. we have our doubts about him being heterosexual or not, but necrophila is going over the line there..
Picard has more than one token black person on his crew (not even counting Worf).
Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert, except for that time he met Kirk.
Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department. What the hell episode was that?
Picard is too slim to require a Kellogg’s All Bran diet, and too dignified to turn up in an ad for such things.
Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound.
Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
Picard admitted he had a hair problem, and moreover used it to his great advantage.
Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship, Enterprise." Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
If Q had met Kirk instead of Picard he would have destroyed humanity before Kirk got two words out.
Doesn't need glasses to read something on a control console like Kirk.
Picard actually has a house to go to.
Picard's chief of engineering doesn't say: I cannae change the laws of physics. Instead, he does.
Picard has gone to 2063, Kirk only went back in time 3 days. - Not true, Kirk DID go back to 1968, and then to 1985. - You're forgetting going back to 1929!! So there!
Picard is proud to be bald, Kirk wears a toupée and won't admit it.
Picard was also Capt. Ahab in a past life.
Picard has gold models of every Enterprise in his ready room.
When Picard got another Enterprise, it wasn't an old ship with a new number, it was even MORE BADASS THAN THE OLD ONE!
Picard knows how to beat a subspace weapon, Kirk would try to engage it in fisticuffs.
Picard keeps a rare and exotic lionfish as a pet in his ready room. Kirk didne't even HAVE a ready room!

Kirk's show led to the first interracial kiss on network TV but Picard's show eventually led to the first lesbian kiss on network TV. Now be honest: which would you rather see?
Picard has his own holiday.
Picard's head of security has a turtle glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.
On Earth, Picard has a mansion. Kirk only has a lowly aluminum oven to sleep in.
Picard was tortured by Cardassians and didn't even flinch. He even made them feel guilty and taught us all life lessons at the same time.
Picard was able to make it out of Generations alive.
Picard can sing the alphabet really well. And he has the balls to do it on the bridge.
His mirror Universe counterpart watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi.
The aliens that he, as well as the two captains that came after him have encountered look like creatures that could scare little children, Kirk meets men in costumes, not scary makeup
Picard never had to wear a girdle.
Picard can turn the word "I" into a multi-syllable word. (i.e., "And IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will make them pay...")
Picards shiny dome can cause such a concentrated blast of light that it would wipe out the Enterprise...both Enterprises...without hesitation.
Picard's most prominent black crew member was good for more than telling him that hailing frequencies were open.
Picard once used his spaceship to surf.
Picard does the Disney Point. And when he does, it starts the warp engines.
If Kirk had made Wesley Crusher a bridge officer, people would have hated him by association. Picard gets a pass because he's so much better.
Picard would have been able to convince everyone there really was a monster on the wing, would have known what really happened in the woods with the bandit and the couple, and would have answered all those 911 calls himself.
Conversely, Kirk would have simply killed himself trying to have sex with Rogue and the X-Men would never have existed.
When they each worked with Spock, Picard accomplished as much in two episodes (actually more like one episode plus one extra scene) as Kirk typically did in a full season.
Picard looks like a nice old man, while Kirk looks like he's going to steal your wallet.
Picard has a car.
Picard knows that the line must be drawn here!
Picard has met Kirk, Sisko, and Janeway. Kirk's got Picard, and... Pike. Woohoo. Oh, and also, Abraham Lincoln. And Surak.
Picard knows Janeway's got a gun.
Picard's first officer can have a beard without being evil.
Picard never took a tribble shower.
Picard isn't racist against Klingons. He's just slightly pissed at the Borg.
Picard would send enemies to their deaths in 9 seconds. Kirk would have to do it in a 3 part episode.
When Picard goes into Hyper-Mode, he kills everything in his path. When Kirk gets into Hyper-Mode, he would try to bang every woman while in Hyper-Mode.
Picard only needs one woman in his life, though he's chased by several- including one who later dated a demigod (Q). THOSE are standards. Kirk would try to bang more than one, and spurns those who actually like him- and by that, I mean Spock and Bones.
Picard made Ben Maxwell so mental the only words he can say now is "Alright Picard".
Picard can learn how to play unknown musical instruments by getting zapped by an alien probe. I'd like to see Kirk pull that one off.
When Picard goes back in time, he actually meets important people. The best Kirk ever managed was a girl who had to die so she wouldn't be important.
Picard's bartender is hundreds of years old and may have been Whoopi Goldberg, and has the ability to challenge a Q by wiggling her fingers. Kirk doesn't seem to even have a bar.
Picard has 145,493,490 other reasons why he is better then Kirk.
Picard can beat every song on every Guitar Hero on expert and get 10000%
Picard told Mr. Worf that his head looked like a fannie to get a cheap laugh from his bridge crew. This, plus the fact that he constantly pisses off (and occasionally kicks the poop out of/kills) Klingons, makes him a zillion times more the badass then that pussy Kirk is. You're confusing Picard with Jon Archer of the 22nd century there. Archer and his one facial expression kills them; Picard just swears at them and gets appointed as arbiter in their civil disagreements.
Picard's second in command got his own brand new starship, Kirk's just got hand-me-downs. Hell, his security officer got his own spinoff.
Picard's chief engineer was blind and still kicked more arse in one episode than Kirk's could in a season.
Picard's ship reached the edge of the universe, Kirk's was only able to reach the edge of his own galaxy, pathetic.
Picard has the Borg to deal with, Kirk has space herpes.
Picard has three times as many reasons why he's better than Kirk does.
Picard doesn't play World of Warcraft. If he did, he would be Q.
Picard is the one responsible for the deaths of Spike Spiegel and Kurt Cobain.
Picard made Chuck Norris go deaf for a brief amount of time simply by speaking in his glorious accent.
He owns a Nintendo DS and regularly fires his synapses.
He never said THIS:

Picard's Enterprise ALWAYS had enough power and NEVER ran out of dilithium crystals.
Picard's bedroom was bigger than Kirk's bridge. Picard's bedroom has artifacts.
The Picard Maneuver consists of flying your ship at warp 9 directly into your enemy's face, stopping right when you're up close, and firing all your weapons up his bum. The Kirk Manuever consists of drinking a lot and dancing with girls.
Picard doesn't run like a faggot, and knows how not to rip his clothing during fight scenes.
Picard once kicked a kid named Colin in the nuts so hard he pissed Phylis Diller.
Picard doesn't advertise for hotel booking websites.
Picard had already seen everything, it was too late, he'd seen it all.

hmm I thinks he has a point there.

ok can we stop with the kirk vs picard and put it into a poll!!

mokhrahikim wrote:Picard has never had a romantic relationship with his 'Number one'. Kirk did.

:cough: :cough: of course not! Kirks Number One was a female... I can't see Picard having a romantic affair... with Cmdt. Riker (unless they were gays...)! You see my point, right?

hm, hm, i think i shall smite this for, what, triple, quadrupal post?

wow, and sooo many of those are wrong. whoever wrote that, either never watched tng, or tos or both!