The Dark Times.

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-29, 19:01

Based off of Jeremiah. I put this in a drama setting format to makes sure no one gets lost. (basically I tell you where his is at.)
Prologue: In the year 2534, an experiment had been done. The experiment went completely wrong and had almost wiped out everyone above the age of 21. Some had survived, and they all gathered together to help as many people as they could. They called themselves the White Light of Serenity or WLS. They would send supplies or bring people into the organization. But their story is another thing entirely. We are going to start with a boy who lost his parents due to the experiment, or White Death. This is his story, for now.

ACT I: The Early Years
Setting: The month is October, 27, 2534, a week after the experiment started to kill people above the age of 21. Our attention is brought to a home in the suburbs. The lights are off, and crying is heard. We see a boy with his dead parents, who had died 13 hours earlier. His name is Skylark Andromeda. "Why! Why did you have to die?" Skylark continues to cry. He walks out of the house and into the back shed to grab a shovel, and starts to dig a big hole in the back yard. Tears continue to stream down his face, and he mumbles something about how he is at fault and other things. This crying boy has gray-blue hair, tan skin, blue eyes, and medium build. Skylark goes back into the house and drags his dad's body and drops it into the hole. He goes back into the house and gets his mother's body and drags it into the hole. Skylark finishes the burial by filling the hole up with dirt. The years progress and he slowly but steadily starts to better himself and learning how he can help others. He works at some jobs helping people do this and that, and buys himself a vehicle in which to travel from town to town helping more people in a much faster manner.
END OF ACT I

by Shemuel 2008-08-29, 19:11

I think you should imply that he hadn't just buried his parents as soon as they dropped dead, but it's getting on ok.

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-29, 19:13

Cheers for constructive criticism cheers

Thanks Shemuel. I might add that his parents died 13 hours ago.

by Earthdeath 2008-08-29, 19:31

yeah, that would be more realistic.

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-29, 19:38

Edited.

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-30, 02:52

Edited...again

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-30, 02:54

So how is the story coming along? I will try to get the second part out as soon as I can. I am just waiting for Act I to be finished So, anything else that I need to edit in the First Act?

by me naam is m 2008-08-30, 07:37

Dread151 wrote:But their story is another thing entirely. We are going to start with a boy who lost his parents due to the experiment, or White Death. This is his story.

The month is October, 27, 2534, a week after the experiment starting to kill people above the age of 21. We turn our attention to a home in the suburbs. The lights are off, and crying is heard. We see a boy with his dead parents, who had died 13 hours earlier. His name is Skylark Andromeda.
"Why! Why did you have to die?" Skylark continues to cry. He walks out of the house and into the back shed to grab a shovel, and starts to dig a big hole in the back yard. Tears continue to stream down his face, and he mumbles something about how he is at fault and other things. We take a look at this crying boy. He has gray-blue hair, tan skin, blue eyes, and medium build. Lets continue on with the story shall we? Skylark goes back into the house and drags his dad's body and drops it into the hole. Then he goes and gets his mother's body and drops into the hole. Skylark then goes and finishes the burial by filling the hole up with dirt. As the years progress he builds up his strength and other things and goes to find people he can help.
END OF ACT I

as for language: the 'then' bits could be changed. too much repeating of these kind of words can get annoying and kill the storyline. the rest is quite good.

as for style: you may wanna change the italic bits, and delete some. telling it from a 'storyteller' view can be good, but do not add too much sentences like 'We take a look at...' or 'We see...' if you do this, try using it mainly in the beginning and the end, and leave the rest free of these things as much as possible.

as for story: good, good. only thing is that the last sentence in bold looks rather 'cut off' and blunt.

HTH, MNIMmy

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-30, 08:02

Thank MNIM for the constructive criticism. Just watch some one give me bad criticism, (zulian maybe?).
EDITED!

by Earthdeath 2008-08-30, 08:34

now its a lot better!so are you actually going to write a full story, or is this just a spur of the moment?

by me naam is m 2008-08-30, 11:20

Dread151 wrote:The years progress and he slowly but steadily starts to better himself and learning how he can help others. He works at some jobs helping people do this and that, and buys himself a vehicle in which to travel from town to town helping more people faster.

good!

by Insane Crayon 2008-08-30, 18:28

Earthdeath wrote:now its a lot better!so are you actually going to write a full story, or is this just a spur of the moment?

A full story most likely.

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-02, 18:38

ACT II: The Life of a Wanderer Will Be Done soon.

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-03, 18:41

ACT II: The Life of a Wanderer
Location: Skylark is now 23 years old. He is in Mississippi, trying to help anyone he can.
Skylark walks into the Red Baron, which is the only bar that acts like a store as well. He looks around to see some of the regulars. Skylark walks up to the bar. "What do you have to sell me? I am trying to help out some of the people here and I need supplies." Skylark ask the bartender.
"We have all kinds of drinks, foods, and clothing", says the bartender,"I act as a local salvage shop, because the people here need me to survive. Any store that still has items in it are usually broken into, and I get all the stuff."
"Give me one hundred dollars worth of it", Skylark said.
"Coming right up", the bartender told Skylark.
Skylark waits for the bartender to get back. He looks back on his life so far. He has been a lot of places, like Maryland, Virginia, and North Carolina. He never stayed in one place for long, since he needed to get citizens back on their feet so they can try to better themselves. The bartender gets back, hands him the supplies, and Skylark pays the bartender, and leaves. Skylark starts to walk around, then someone comes up to Skylark. "Hey, aren't you Skylark Andromeda?" ,the woman asked.
"Yes. Do you need need something or are you just making idle chatter?", Skylark said.
"I happen to do what you do. My name is Adrianna Lesting. I try to help people out, and I have heard abut you from the wanderers that come and go. Is it okay if I help you?" ,Adrianna questioned.
"Sure. I could always use a helping hand", Skylark told her.
Skylark and Adrianna walked through town, handing out supplies, working for some farmers, and rebuilding some small houses for people to live in. Some years later, they leave in his Jeep, heading for Oklahoma, Skylark's home state.
END OF ACT II

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-04, 11:01

© 2008
Had to post this, So no one steals my story.

by me naam is m 2008-09-04, 13:01

Dread151 wrote:"Hey, aren't you Skylark Andromeda?" ,the person asked.
"Yes. You don't look like you need help, but I can't turn down someone just because they look like they have had better days", Skylark said.
"I happen to do what you do. My name is Adrianna Lesting. I try to help people out, and I have heard abut you from the wanderers that come and go. Is it okay if I help you?" ,Adrianna questioned.
"Sure. I could always use a helping hand", Skylark told her.

Act III: The Meeting With the WLS
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Skylark is now 27.

Anyone want to make a suggestion at what made the noise? Nothing too extreme, and nothing that would be found in a fantasy horror.

bold: sounds very generic, vague. since the person de facto is a women, you could write 'the girl' or 'the woman' instead.
italic: ooh... pale

blunt, rude, awkward. I'd imagine the girl would sooner give him a slap than go with him like that.
underlined: what is WLS?
red: sounds more like a summary or a list than a story. try putting it in a sentence.
about the crash: maybe a wolf, a wild dog or a coyote scavenging around?

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-04, 18:42

Act III: Going Back Home, Seeing Something Strange, The Appearance of the White Light of Serenity.
Skylark drives into Oklahoma City, looking at the deserted streets, wondering why no one is around. He drives by his house and then stops. Adrianna looks at him. "Why did we stop?", Adrianna asked.
"This is where I grew up", Skylark told her, "This is where I buried my parents when I was 9."
"Aw. That is so sad" Adrianna sadly stated. They got out of the Jeep, and walked into the house. Skylark notices that nothing had changed, there was no one in the house, and nothing had been touched. He walks with a heavy step moving into the backyard. He stands in the backyard, standing at the grave he had dug 18 years ago. Then he hears a loud crash and Adrianna is seen screaming, running to Skylark. "I just saw something! We need to get out of here NOW!", Adrianna sobbed. Skylark look puzzled and looked down. The grave had looked like it was dug up, from the INSIDE! "I think your right", Skylark told her. He grabs Adrianna's arm, runs through the house, gets in the Jeep, and drives into the city. "There is a shotgun under your seat, grab it. If you see what you saw in the house, shoot it", Skylark said, sounding really scared.
"OK. I-I-I wi-wi-will", Adrianna stuttered. As Skylark drives through the streets, he looks around at the people wielding any thing they could use as a weapon. He stops at a girl who knew as a child. "What is going on?" Skylark questioned the girl.
"The experiment 18 years ago had a unnatural side effect. The people that were effected are starting to rise again, but they look completely different. We have been able to keep them out of the city. It only seems to effect this city, but we don't know why", the girl answered. Adrianna looked worried as gunfire is heard. "Here they come!", the girl screams and runs toward the gunshots.
"Who was that?", Adrianna questioned.
"Terra. I don't know her last name. She was adopted, because her parents were on of the first effected by the virus", Skylark explained. Skylark drives toward the sound, and when he gets there, he goes really pale. What he saw amazed and scared him. The things, for no words would explain it, were solid black. They moved like shadows, quick and agile, and were hard to hit. Their shoulders had spikes protruding from them. Instead of hands, there was claws. They had deep, blood-red eyes, large sharp pointy teeth, and raptor-like feet. To describe them with less detail, they looked like demons. Skylark was speechless. "I saw that in your parent's house. Or, the marks in your room", Adrianna told him.
"Oh my god. What happened?" Skylark asked in fear.
"Well, when the experiment went wrong, death quickly spread among the adults. Just lately, the monstrosities start to rise. We thought it was zombies, until the skin fell off and revealed those things", Terra explained. One of the demons jumped between Terra and Skylark. It raised it's claws about to attack and screeched real loud, while others kept on trying to rush into the city. Adrianna shot it. "I thought I would never see these things again. The things were at my home town as well. These are the grunts, the mindless things that just have one thing in mind, Kill everything. You are lucky the fliers, warriors, and carriers are not here", Adrianna states. The screeching stops and the drones back off. Terra looks around, and sighs. Then some one screams. Everyone turned around to see a wanderer get shredded and eaten alive. Then a loud rumbling is heard and five armored Jeeps come driving through and ran over all the beast in their way. Three white tanks come through and kill any stragglers. Then a guy wearing robes walks out of the lead Jeep
End of Act III

by Earthdeath 2008-09-04, 19:53

cool.how amny acts are you going to do?

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-04, 20:45

Can I trust you guys not to take my story?

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-05, 14:47

Act IV: The Meeting, the Death of a Friend.
The robed figure introduced himself as Tobias, and explained himself and his group in great deal. He explained what the demons, or Plague-Carriers, were, how they could have came to be, and that there was no reversing the effects. “We came here to offer our assistance. We have also been trying to find someone named Skylark. If anyone knows the whereabouts of this wanted fugitive, speak now”, Tobias said, surprising everyone. He looked over the crowd, as silence filled the air. He saw that everyone looked like they were seeing through him, awe struck and scared. He turned around only to see a Plague-Carrier drone bite his head off in a spray of blood. All the survivors opened fire upon the drone, completely turning the drone into a smoking black corpse. All the rest of the White Light of Serenity (WLS from here on out) got out of their vehicles, and told them they were here to help, and that they were trying to get as many survivors to a sanctuary as quickly as possible. They also explained that the Plague-Carriers were hot on their trail. “I can also help, but my jeep only holds four people”, Skylark explained.
“The rest of the convoy is coming, so we could easily mount a .85 PAGG (Personal Armored Gatling Gun) on the back. We lost an escort on the way here to some Warriors, and the only reason they are heading our way, is because this city is the place they chose to hatch the egg they seem to be dragging around”, one soldier explained,” I am SSG Peter, and this here is our commander, Gen. O’Malley.” Gen. O’Malley walks up and greets Skylark.
“It is good to finally meet you. Don’t worry about what Tobias said. He works for the WLS, and they don’t like, for some weird reason unknown to me, what you are doing. We can talk later though, because here is the rest of the convoy. We are safe for now anyway, because the Plague-Carriers are too busy keeping the humongous egg protected. I can already tell this is going to be one long war for survival”, O’Malley clearly states. The rest of the convoy drives up in APCs (Army Personnel Carrier), two escorts of T-126 SRTs (Shatter Rocket Tank), and four T-173 WLTs (Warhead Launcher Tank), and three MPCs (Medical Personnel Carrier). The convoy stops. Everyone gets out and greets everyone else. The medics start to tend to any wounded, and the army mounts a .85 PAGG on the back of Skylark’s Jeep. “We have to get going! I can see the egg”, Peter yells. Everyone gets in the vehicles, and drives off. Skylark was driving when he noticed Adrianna wasn’t with him. He stops and starts to look around, when he sees her fending off some scouting drones, and a Plague-Carrier warrior comes in, impales her on his claw, and takes her with it. Skylark drives the Jeep full speed, crying all the way. Terra sees this and leans her head on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
END OF ACT IV

by Shemuel 2008-09-05, 15:26

One thing. how about Adrianna not get her head eaten but instead gets impaled? Two decapitations in quick succession is too much.

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-06, 18:03

Updated!
I am almost done with ACT V: What Really Went Wrong.

by me naam is m 2008-09-06, 18:27

something confuses me. first the WLS says Skylark's a fugitive, next there's a huggup and they all go cosily together.

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-09, 11:19

The WLS is a holy religous order, the other guys are just part of it so as wherever the WLS goes, the army goes as well.
ALMOST DONE WITH PART V

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-10, 10:56

ACT V: What Really Went Wrong
The convoy arrives at the army base near White Mountain, the HQ of the WLS. Everyone gets out of the vehicles they were in, and starts to find their friends and family. O'Malley walks up to Skylark and Terra and tells them to follow him. They walk into an enclosed room near the back of the base, and O'Malley kindly asks them to sit down. He then starts to explain the entire back story of the experiment and what had really went happened to cause all of this. "We had been experimenting on the creation of bionuclear weapons. We started to make progress when one of the bombs we had been working exploded. We were able to seal the section of the facility where the bomb had been. We kept on with the project, which was named Project Biohazard, when we started to hear banging coming from the closed section of the facility. We checked the cameras that were still operational in that part of the facility. Some of the scientist had survived and were trying to get out of that part of the facility. Fearing exposure to the bionuclear radiation, we didn't help them. We kept someone at the computers at all times to monitor the closed off section, and report to us if anything starts to happen. We had taken precautions to make sure the rest of the facility was protected from any radiation leak, so everyone had to wear HAZMAT suits. We placed security checkpoints, made sure everyone had security cards for clearance to certain areas, and made sure to check the personell record of everyone entering and exiting the facility. We thought we had everything under control, so we kept on with Project Biohazard. Then the screaching started. We talked to the current person stationed at the cameras, and he said that nothing strange had shown up in the cameras. As soon as he had said that, we lost all the cameras in the closed off section. We started to get real worried. We had guards posted at every section of the facility. We also had guards patrol in groups of three. We still went on with Project Biohazard. We were safe, for a little while. We were almost done with a completed bio-bomb, when the alarms went off", O'Malley explained. He took a deep breath.
Skylark interrupted," Why did you want to create bionuclear weapons in the first place?"
O'Malley answered," Well, we were trying to make sure that if anything extraterrestrial came again, we would have another weapon to use against them."
Terra questioned,"So, what caused the alarms to sound?"
O'Malley continued the story, "When the alarms sounded, everyone that couldn't use a firearm ran to the designated safe zones. Everyon else went to the armory, grabbed a rifle, and went to the closed off section. A scientist had stayed behind to hand out gas masks and combat armour. After everyone had suited up, he ran towards the closest safe zone. We stood waiting and had our rifles locked and loaded. What we were about to see, we were not prepared for. We started to hear something ram against the door, and the door was slowly buckling. We raised our rifles, then the door buckled. We didn't wait to see what had made a Terasteel door buckle, we just backed up slowly, firing our rifles as quickly as possible. We saw the abominations, now known as the Plague-Carriers, and just kept firing. When we got to the safe zone, we had lost already half of the guards. We heard firing from all sides, letting us know that more guards had joined the fray. We entered the safe zone to find the scientist already dead. We had everyone line up in a cirlce to keep ourselves from bein ambushed. The gunshots were getting louder and louder, letting us know more guards had come to fight the thins we saw, or that the things were ahead of us. We kept on running. kept on hearing gunfire, and kept ourselves in a group. We ran into some of the more adventurous abominations. We kept fighting all the way out of the facility and as soon as we got out, we sealed the entire facility."
"How did they get out, and how was I the first person to ever meet Terra?" ,questioned Skylark.
"We don't know how they got out. To answer you other question, requires another story all togethe", O'Malley stated.
END OF ACT V

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-10, 11:04

The story so far.

Spoiler:

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-11, 12:33

ACT VI (Part I of II): The Story of Terra.
Terra looked at Skylark. “I don’t know how I could explain this, but I guess I am going to have to tell you anyway. I am Plague-Carrier. I was the only one that could talk. I was exploring for a place to let the others know where to put the queen’s egg when I was ambushed by the Army. They captured me and made me talk. They explained that they wanted to know what we were, why we wanted to exterminate the humans, and why the bionuclear bomb created us. I told them because I thought that the others would save me, but I was wrong. I was scared, captured, and afraid of what the humans would do to me. They gave me a proposition. I was to help them combat the Plague-Carriers, my own people, and they would try and turn me back into a human. I reluctantly agreed, and I told them everything they would need to know. They did experiments, with my permission, to turn me into a human. The experiment was a success, but I turned into a child. The Army came up with an identity, a background, everything. I could still feel my Plague-Carrier form inside of me, but it was a little weaker. I can transform into it at any time, but it is hard to change back. I also had a weird ability to sense people who could change this world for the better. When I tried to use it for the first time, I sensed you. I had a feeling you would be needed to stop the other Plague-Carriers. I also started to experience emotions for the first time. I got used to be a human after a while, but I still can’t figure out some of the things you do. I am sorry if this makes you not want to be around me, but it is not my fault for being this. I have feelings for you Skylark and it would make me sad if you didn’t want to see me again”, Terra told him sadly. Skylark looked surprised, then he felt sadness for Terra.
“I feel like I have to hate you, but I can’t. I have known you since childhood and you don’t act like a Plague-Carrier. I have feelings for you as well, but I don’t know how to express them now. We can talk about it later though, because we have to save humanity”, Skylark said. He then gave Terra a kiss, and went off to make preparations for a war of survival.
“I must say, I think he likes you”, O’Malley pointed out.
“I think your right. I just don’t know how we are going to ask him to do the operation. It will make him like me, but not like me in the same way. He will have to do it anyway, if we are to recon their position”, Terra told him.
The second half will be done shortly.

by Insane Crayon 2008-09-23, 11:26

My computer is down for maintenence, so the story won't be out as expected until later.

by Insane Crayon 2008-11-20, 11:18

ACT VI (Part II): The Fight for Survival
Skylark had agreed to the operation, making him part Plague-Carrier, part human, just like Terra. He turned into his Plague-Carrier form, a berserker, and was able to control it. He transformed back and asked, "So, how are we going to do this?"
"You and Terra are going to infiltrate the city and find out what they are doing. These Plague-Carriers seem to use a form of communication, and with you both in your Plague-Carrier state, you will be able to understand them. Hopefully." ,stated O'Malley. He leads them to the armory and tells them to gear up. Several hours later, multiple armored APCs are seend leaving the base. "Are you sure you want to do this?" ,asked Terra.
"Yes. If this is the only way to get them out of here, then I will do it" ,Skylark stated. They both jump as a loud buzzing sound is heard.
"We are coming up on the city. We are going to drop you off in the woods so you can change. The battle for human survival has begun" ,O'Malley tells them from the loudspeaker. Skylark holds Terra's hands as they prepare to help save humanity.
END OF ACT VI
I'm sorry to say, but my brother has postponed this story until further notice. If I can figure out where he was going with this, I will continue it, but it may seem slightly different.
@---->----
He just got done with this part. lol

by me naam is m 2008-11-20, 12:14

hmmm... i hadn't noticed the coincidence till now, terra, terra nova.

by Meganew Trek 2008-11-20, 12:37

Neither had I....

by Insane Crayon 2008-11-20, 14:16

Yea, he actually took Terra from a forum account I had a while back. No idea what forum it was because it has been so long.

by me naam is m 2008-11-20, 14:35

heh. i already thought so.

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The Dark Times.

Do I need to Revise and/or Edit the story so far?

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